5 Year Anniversary of My Father's Death Leads to the Writing of a Letter
Donna Nolan-Wilson, Originally Published at Yahoo!
Dear Dad, How could five years have gone by already? I never thought I would see the day that I could speak of you without crying; write about you with tear-less eyes. You weren't supposed to die. It was supposed to be a simple outpatient surgery. In fact, you never got to the day of surgery, as you died 3 days before. I still ask myself why and what if? What if you weren't alone that day? What if you had a loving wife who would have been by your side an escorted you to the doctor so you wouldn't have been alone?
Five Whole Years
Five years, five whole years. I wasn't sure I was going to get through the first year. Yeah it's true that we didn't even live in the same state anymore but my God you were still my Dad. I actually still thought of you as "Daddy" when I thought of you and when I referred to you to my siblings, we always called you "Daddy." It didn't really seem to matter how old we got. You were still Daddy when we spoke of you.
The First Year
That first year was brutal. The first three months after your death I just walked around like a Zombie. I had trouble doing simple tasks and chores. I slept a lot and cried a lot much like the behavior of a new born. During that first year I was like an infant, much like I was the first year of my life. I was pretty dysfunctional.
The Second Year
The second year wasn't much better. I still cried a lot when I thought of you and did things that made me feel closer to you like listening to your favorite music and cooking your favorite foods and watching your favorite TV shows and movies. I was like a toddler just learning to walk again.
The Third Year
The third year I started getting out again and communicating with people. I only cried when I heard your most special songs and on special holidays like Christmas Eve and St. Patrick's Day. The Anniversary of your death the 1st Three years really sucked. Your birthday wasn't much better. However, your death didn't consume my daily life as it had during the 1st and 2nd year but it still affected me on those special days. I was getting out, communicating with people and making plans for the future. Things were starting to get easier.
The Fourth Year
The fourth year I was more like myself. I was making big plans and I had made some big changes in my life and moved to the place I had always wanted to be. You would be so proud of me Dad that I am finally living my life and following my dreams. You were always so supportive of my writing and me. You were always my biggest fan. I started celebrating holidays again without feeling sad and began sharing family traditions with my grandchildren.
The Fifth Anniversary
Tomorrow is the 5th Year Anniversary of the day you went to Heaven. I have finally learned to live again. I can talk about you, write about you, think about you and dream about you all without crying. I know you never would have wanted me to cry in the first place but like I told you the last time we spoke, "I just wasn't ready to loose you yet." I didn't know that day would be the last time we spoke but I am glad we got to say, "I love you" one more time. I have learned to live again in my new world without you. I miss being somebody's little girl but I know that if there is Internet in Heaven you will get this email and you will see that I am okay and following my dreams, as you always wanted me to do.
Love Goes On
I have gotten through the first five years just like I did from birth to kindergarten and I am ready to let go so I can continue on into the journey of the second half of my life. I love you Dad and miss you still. I will always be proud to be Bob's little girl forever.
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